I am a big girl and I do know how I got this way.

The good news is I know how to fix it.

As a child, I had a very close relationship with food. I know it started very young, maybe around 4 years old. It was there when no one else was. I would hide candy under my bed and lie about eating. I would fast if I felt like my parents were mad at me. I would over indulge if I thought no one was watching. I would steal food from my friends houses. I was not a fat child though. I just had an overly emotional relationship with food. Eating felt like the hugs I wasn't always getting.

The first time I gained a large amount of weight was after my great grandmother passed away and then my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I gained 65lbs. I didn't even notice. I knew that I was eating more chocolate than I ever had before, but I really didn't notice. One day I decided to step on a scale and I was up to 260lbs. Whoops! Time to make a few changes. I was living on my own by then and I just ate lean cuisine dinners, dropped down to 200lbs and went about my life. At 200lbs I was a size 14 and felt fine. I am 5'7 so I wear my weight well. I knew I could be thinner, but it was not really on my mind.

I met my husband at the end of February 2007. I was 200lbs give or take a few. I got pregnant in December of that same year and gained 10lbs a month the first 8 months. The last month I only gained 7! It was a rough time. The first trimester I got married and moved from my grandmothers house into my inlaws house. We were waiting for our home to be built. Stressful. Second trimester was full of awkward moments with the new family. Confusing times within my own family. Plus my husband was in school and working. Really stressful. The third trimester was full of moving into our new home, making space for the new baby, and adjusting to my husbands new job and going down to one income. Scary stressful. I can remember crying while I ate. Telling myself that I was not as large as I thought. Hoping that my husband would stay with me even though I was this massive thing. I did not feel like a wife or a mother. I felt consumed.

Christmas 2009

This is hard to write.

Easter 2009

After my Andrew was born, I would watch mothers with their children and wonder when I was going to be able to smile like they did. It wasn't about what they looked like, but what they felt like. They looked so alive and I felt so dead inside. I knew I loved my boy, but I couldn't feel it. I kept thinking my husband made a huge mistake. I was not worthy of this life I had. I did not deserve the wonderful family I had. I do not know if I will ever find out why I struggle with this idea that I need to be worthy of happiness. I do know that I have to choose to be happy and that is up to me and only me to make that choice.

Halloween 2011

I met a wonderful woman at the pool one day. I think she may have changed my life. I have never told her how much of an influence she has had on me, but I think God did good work that day. She is a personal trainer who I hired to help me. I really hired her though because I wanted to be her friend and I had no idea how to do such a thing! With her guidance I lost my first 20lbs! I was no longer able to afford her, but she is a neighbor so I would ask her questions when I saw her. Over the next few years I lost a total of 50lbs. Between her influence and my husbands support, I made it back into the world.

8 months pregnant and feeling good!

Now that I felt I was looking good, I ended up pregnant again. Funny how that happens! I only gained 30lbs this time and I was able to enjoy this baby. Gabe was an easy pregnancy, easy delivery and an easy baby. I still struggled with depression and major anxiety. I watched what I was eating though and actually paid attention to how food affected my mood. Now I know that for me some foods have such a strong hold on me emotionally that I should just avoid them. One of those are Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffles. I used to eat an entire bag of those in a day. I do not eat them anymore. Those things can send me into a downward spiral into some nasty thoughts about myself like nothing else can.

Halloween 2013

I try and exercise a little everyday. I eat lean proteins and watch my calories. I want to lose another 60lbs. I want to show people that eating can heal you or hurt you. It is just about choice. I don't want my children to worry about my health. I want my husband to be proud of me. I also want people who have never struggled with morbid obesity to know something too. We are all aware that our bodies are being taxed and that our organs and joints are being strained. What we fail to mention to so many people is that our brains are just as taxed and strained. For me, I felt as though I was a slave to food. I could not react to anything like a normal person. Every emotion for me was some sort of craving. Happiness was ice cream. Sadness was chocolate and peanuts. Anger was anything crunchy followed by alcohol. I choose now to feel my emotions and it turns out I cry at just about everything. I bet I freak people out. I cry when my sons teacher tells me that he is smart. I cry when my baby hugs me. I cry when my husband tells me he is a happy man.

If this is what it feels like to have feelings bring it on! Just bring the tissues with you. Thank you for reading this. Just writing this down fills me with hope for myself. I have such wonderful people around me who are so supportive of what I am writing. It means more to me than words can say. Thank you.